Issue #04.
THIS ISSUE: *I’m adopted—can I be an egg donor? * How to support a dad-to-be? Privacy **Emotional IUOs. ***
I’m adopted—can I still be an egg donor?
I’ve both interviewed and received emails from egg donors who were adopted. Of course, each clinic has its own way of doing things, but in my experience each requires a detailed family and personal medical history. Clinic staff will be happy to help clarify what they would need. You don’t mention whether you have some patchy information about your birth family, or none at all. Do you feel ready to explore information about your birth family? Be gentle to yourself; depending on how comfortable you are with having being adopted, and how long you have known, it might stir issues separate to any potential donor experience.
How do you support the fathers-to-be through the whole infertility thing?
Great question, because fathers—and lesbian partners—can sometimes feel sidelined. No one means to do it, but it can be easy to forget that their days are just as punctuated with the impact of counting cycles, bloodwork, appointments and the emotional upheaval. Be available to listen and be guided by them as to whether they want to talk about it, or crave a change of topic. Sure, they want to be a father, but they also wear other hats: professional, sports fanatic, son etc. They might welcome the chance to hash out a lateral move at work, or debate the star player this season, or express worry their ageing parents.
Have you ever regretted using your real name in the book? We’ve been TTC (trying to conceive) for three years, and I feel like my insides are on the outside for public comment.
I don’t want to be flippant about something as important as privacy, but it felt fine from the start. I respect privacy be an early casualty in the infertility process, when people you barely know don’t hesitate to comment or pass judgment on your family planning. Good on you for keeping focused on the wonderful end goal. Also, while I do write about intimate things, the details themselves aren’t graphic. The first couple I donated to—Angela and Steve, who had Rachael—were comfortable with their real names being used, which was inspiring. That said, of course I respect the use of pseudonyms preferred by the second couple, Kate and Thomas and their son, Sam.
I feel so bad talking about this, so I’m writing instead. An old friend has offered to be our egg donor, and of course, we’re beyond thrilled. But one thing nags me. While she has a lot of great qualities, she’s quite materialistic and she “jokes” about the emotional IOUs we’ll need to cough up when the baby comes. We’d give her the moon if we could, but this journey has taken every spare dime. I worry whatever we give, won’t be enough.
I understand your hesitancy to raise this, especially with her, but consider it temporary discomfort vs. long term awkwardness or pain. Egg donation needs to be either a clear-cut transaction or a gift without strings attached. Either way, healthy boundaries are needed. Her intentions are wonderful, but as an old friends, you know her well. Talk with your clinic counselor (and explore the need for a written agreement/contract) and consider a joint session with your friend to ensure you’re on the same page. If you still feel uncomfortable—that the joy of your child’s birth could be tainted with worry about your friend’s looming “payday”, consider opting out. I can only imagine how hard it would be to contemplate letting go of this donor, but listen to your intuition. If so, tell her that her offer was a deeply touching gift in itself—one you will never forget. Add that your long friendship is too important to jeopardize and you know she’ll be a wonderful aunt. Explore other, perhaps anonymous options.
Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.
Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.
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