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My husband’s parents object to us using an egg donor. It began with a few moans and groans, now they’re saying they’re reconsidering the wills. They insist they won’t consider the child their grandchild and believe science has gone to far (they won’t admit it, but there’s also the what-will-the-neighbor’s-think attitude.). I don’t care about the money, and neither does my husband really, but then, he has a lot more to lose.

…and possibly everything to gain. I respect you have both endured enough and weighed many options before you reached the point of considering egg donation. I can only imagine the pressure and/or guilt your in-laws are exerting, but I implore you to stay strong. They might not agree with your decisions, but they will need to accept and respect them. Please shore-up your support networks in the face of this opposition; you deserve to head down this path equipped with much kindness and compassion. And if it helps to know, I’ve heard from others in a similar situation, and in each case, the baby’s arrival was a tremendously healing gift ─on many levels.

Can you recommend any workshops or conferences to meet others who are facing infertility? Our clinic has information sessions and individual counseling of course, and while that’s been a huge help, I want to meet others. We’re in California.

Resolve New England (resolvenewengland.org) facilitates the country’s only infertility conference especially for consumers. [Disclosure: I’m a past exhibitor, and receive no compensation, directly or in kind, for recommending them.] They present a full program running the gamut of issues facing those who are navigating infertility. And of course, it’s also a wonderful chance to speak to other aspiring parents. This year it will be held on Sat, Nov 05 in Marlborough, Massachusetts. I’d also recommend a support group through the national Resolve chapter (resolve.org). My best wishes you.

Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.

Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.

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THIS ISSUE:  *Is an egg donor a mother? *Announcing a pregnancy on Mother’s Day. *What happens in a counseling session between donor and recipient(s)?

As an egg donor, do you consider yourself a mother?

Biologically, yes, but day-to-day, no. I’m a biological mother to Rachael and Sam, and I’ll always be available to them if they have any questions, from my medical history down to my first movie-star crush. I consider their real mothers to be Angela and Kate, my egg recipients (I donated my eggs to two separate couples, both good friends.) They’re the ones who supervise homework, run carpool, listen and worry. Motherhood reaches far beyond providing an egg or carrying a child, significant though they are. I respect it involves myriad sacrifices of sheer energy, time and sanity as a mother provides for her little one, loving them and guiding them. I love Rachael and Sam as a niece and a nephew.

Mother’s Day is coming up. We’ve just found out we’re pregnant─ and my sister is struggling with infertility. I’m excited to share the news, but dreading the family get together.

Congratulations! It sounds as though you’re planning to make a big announcement. That’s certainly your choice, and you sound sensitive to your sister’s situation. Consider telling her before Mother’s Day, allowing her time to digest the news privately. Trust that she is happy for you, even if her initial reaction is not all you’re hoping for. She’ll appreciate your giving her privacy for that. Sometimes women in your situation don’t want to tell their sister or friend, so as not to upset them. But she’ll need to know at some point, and knowing is better than being kept on the outer. Many women navigating infertility already feel isolated.

You’ve written about a group counseling session with you, your husband and the couple you donated to. What can I expect when we do something similar?

I assume you’re a known donor, such a relative or friend. First, there’s no test to pass or fail, and no silly questions. It’s a chance for you all talk through what this will look like in the short- and long-term, and to manage your expectations. The counselor will ensure that everyone feels heard, and will pose some scenarios to tease things out. For example, what contact do you expect to have with any child or children? What relationship do you envisage, if any? Will the parent(s) tell their child of his/her origins? Are you comfortable that you will have no legal rights to the child, along with no say as to their education, faith or other key decisions in raising them? If you have a partner, how does he/she feel about all this? See it as an important investment in your time.

Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.

Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? info@savvylife.net © 2016 Alicia Young.

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THIS ISSUE:  *Tension over sister’s offer. *Office baby showers when you’re TTC. *How to tell my child.

My sister and brother-in-law have been TTC (trying to conceive) for a year now, and recently I offered to be her donor. I was shocked when she flew off the handle and stormed off.  I didn’t expect a gold medal, but neither did I think she’d chew my head off. It’s been a week of silence.

I appreciate you had the very best intentions when you made the offer; it sounds like your sister simply needs some time to process it.  They have been trying for twelve months – it’s completely understandable that she’s not yet ready to let go of the dream of conceiving unassisted, or at least with assistance, using her own eggs. There’s a saying that all human behavior stems from two basic emotions: love and fear. Yours came from the former, and hers came from the latter. Whatever lies ahead for her, she will know you are there, and that is priceless.

I conceived via egg donor (my cousin). Our daughter is now crawling, and every day I wonder how to tell her. My cousin’s fine with it either way.

You do have time on your side, but it’s great to be thinking about it. You can work out a few strategies, and then give yourself some reprieve. The most important thing is to continue your loving, trusting relationship with your daughter; it’s the best foundation for any future disclosure. When she’s a little older, there are some wonderful children’s story books which explain it well (Amazon has a good range), and you can tell her bit by bit, that she has a special connection to cousin Jane. If they resemble each other, that’s another way to explain things in an age-appropriate way. My biological daughter, Rachael, knew from around age four that (in her words) I “helped her happen.” Her parents were always open, so there was no big revelation; she gradually understood more. In fact, her origins were not only acknowledged, they were celebrated in the open. She is a happy girl, very secure in herself.

It seems that every month, someone at the office has a baby shower.  I am TTC and have had road block after road block.  I can’t bear to attend these things, but I feel so bad, as I’ve known these women for years.

Give yourself a pass. There seems to be some history there, perhaps in and out of the office. While I respect your family planning is entirely your own business, might you be comfortable sharing a little bit (if no details)─simply that things are taking a little longer than expected, and you’d appreciate sidestepping these milestones for now? Perhaps there’s one person you trust whom you could ask to have a discreet word with the others? One lady I know gave a little lump sum to the office organizer to take care of her share of gifts for the next few months, so she didn’t need to be asked each time.

Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.

Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.

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I’m grateful to share that this weekend, 470 radio stations across the US will carry an interview I recorded for HealthJournal.net.

The introduction states I’m based in Australia; actually I’m based in the US and speak frequently about my experience as an egg donor, among many other topics (please see “Speaking” on this site).

I’ll wait until Monday to post the link, as requested by the network. My thanks to them for this opportunity.

Best wishes,

Alicia

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THIS ISSUE:  *I’m adopted—can I be an egg donor? * How to support a dad-to-be? Privacy **Emotional IUOs. ***

I’m adopted—can I still be an egg donor?

I’ve both interviewed and received emails from egg donors who were adopted. Of course, each clinic has its own way of doing things, but in my experience each requires a detailed family and personal medical history. Clinic staff will be happy to help clarify what they would need. You don’t mention whether you have some patchy information about your birth family, or none at all. Do you feel ready to explore information about your birth family? Be gentle to yourself; depending on how comfortable you are with having being adopted, and how long you have known, it might stir issues separate to any potential donor experience.

How do you support the fathers-to-be through the whole infertility thing?

Great question, because fathers—and lesbian partners—can sometimes feel sidelined. No one means to do it, but it can be easy to forget that their days are just as punctuated with the impact of counting cycles, bloodwork, appointments and the emotional upheaval. Be available to listen and be guided by them as to whether they want to talk about it, or crave a change of topic. Sure, they want to be a father, but they also wear other hats: professional, sports fanatic, son etc. They might welcome the chance to hash out a lateral move at work, or debate the star player this season, or express worry their ageing parents.

Have you ever regretted using your real name in the book?  We’ve been TTC (trying to conceive) for three years, and I feel like my insides are on the outside for public comment.

I don’t want to be flippant about something as important as privacy, but it felt fine from the start.  I respect privacy be an early casualty in the infertility process, when people you barely know don’t hesitate to comment or pass judgment on your family planning. Good on you for keeping focused on the wonderful end goal. Also, while I do write about intimate things, the details themselves aren’t graphic. The first couple I donated to—Angela and Steve, who had Rachael—were comfortable with their real names being used, which was inspiring. That said, of course I respect the use of pseudonyms preferred by the second couple, Kate and Thomas and their son, Sam.

I feel so bad talking about this, so I’m writing instead. An old friend has offered to be our egg donor, and of course, we’re beyond thrilled. But one thing nags me. While she has a lot of great qualities, she’s quite materialistic and she “jokes” about the emotional IOUs we’ll need to cough up when the baby comes. We’d give her the moon if we could, but this journey has taken every spare dime. I worry whatever we give, won’t be enough.

I understand your hesitancy to raise this, especially with her, but consider it temporary discomfort vs. long term awkwardness or pain. Egg donation needs to be either a clear-cut transaction or a gift without strings attached. Either way, healthy boundaries are needed. Her intentions are wonderful, but as an old friends, you know her well. Talk with your clinic counselor (and explore the need for a written agreement/contract) and consider a joint session with your friend to ensure you’re on the same page. If you still feel uncomfortable—that the joy of your child’s birth could be tainted with worry about your friend’s looming “payday”, consider opting out. I can only imagine how hard it would be to contemplate letting go of this donor, but listen to your intuition. If so, tell her that her offer was a deeply touching gift in itself—one you will never forget. Add that your long friendship is too important to jeopardize and you know she’ll be a wonderful aunt. Explore other, perhaps anonymous options.

Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.

Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.

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Q: I’m gay and considering being an anonymous egg donor. The clinic has been great, but one thing bothers me: if there’s left over embryos and the parents don’t want them, why can’t I get them? I’d be open to using an anonymous sperm donor in the future, so I don’t see this as being any different.

A: I’m not an attorney, but my understanding is that any and all donor eggs, donor sperm, and embryos created belong wholly and solely to the recipients. That means the decision whether to store, donate or destroy remains theirs. Talk further with the clinic’s psychologist, or one of your own choosing through work, on campus or a counselor at your place of worship to explore your feelings further. Ensure you fully understand the various scenarios that could play out, and gauge how you feel as to each before proceeding.

Q: How do you feel about fertility registries (like gift registries) or crowdfunding to pay for treatment?

A: I’ll admit I cringed when I first heard of this option. It seems like anyone and everyone is asking others to fund their milestones, from a trip to Europe, to their honeymoon, to their start-up. That said, when you consider the cost of IVF (typically $10-15 000 per cycle in the US, according to sart.org), I understand much more why individuals or couples are taking this route, especially (of course) when the passion for a baby can’t be measured against anything else. If people are comfortable giving, at least your birthday or holiday gift might be better channeled toward your goal of a family, as opposed to another sweater. I simply suggest that you keep any request low-key, both in approach and in the absence of follow-up requests. Also, weigh carefully how comfortable you are sharing your journey with others. And on a lighter note, don’t rule out that generous Aunt Jane might want a child named after her.

Q: When should I start looking for a donor?

A: Great question―because many of us might assume “ASAP!” But consider the emotions at play. How recently did you receive the news that you actually need a donor? Today? Last week? Three months ago? No matter how motivated you are, you need and deserve time to process the grief of being unable to conceive without assistance. Talk with your partner, your doctor and other key supports. Recognize that you might benefit from hitting the pause button for a little while, or a long while. Fertility treatment takes a toll physically, emotionally and financially.

Q: Our friend is going through infertility right now and she is constantly spaced out. Do we pull her back into the conversation or let it go?

A: Grant her space. I know people who had a code word for their friend. They would say “Italy” as a shorthand to explain that her thoughts had drifted. It was though she was in another time zone, badly jetlagged. They allowed her space, recognizing what she was dealing with and how it might seep into her thoughts through the day. Don’t assume your friend is uninterested in your life; she is simply dealing with a lot of demands on her focus and energy right now.

Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.

Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in Houston. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.

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#02, Dec 1, 2015.

THIS ISSUE: *Asking a relative to be your egg donor *Coping with the Holidays *Using an overseas agency *Psychological assessment *Telling your family.

We’re thinking of asking my adult niece to be our egg donor. How do we go about it?

As I’m sure you appreciate, it’s an important issue that deserves careful consideration. While I respect your niece is an adult and can make her own decisions, you might like to first raise the idea with your sibling. You don’t mention whether your niece has started/completed her own family, or plans to have her own children. There’s several important relationships to consider here, and many dynamics at play. If your niece eventually decides to donate, will your sibling consider the child his/her grandchild? Meaning: would you be given the space and freedom to parent in your own style? A donor within the family certainly brings advantages, but consider investing in a few sessions of joint counseling to ensure key players have a chance to air their feelings and to better explore how this might play out in the short and longer term.

‘Tis the season of cheer…really? I want to scream and cry at being swamped by images of happy families gathered around Holiday tables and children unwrapping gifts.

I can only imagine how this time of year feels for you, as you long to start your own family and your own traditions. Friends tell me they use several approaches to ease the discomfort: some forward their gifts ahead of time and join everyone in time for the meal; they find it a little easier to sidestep all the excitement and wrapping paper flying in the air. Call time-out with a walk around the block if it all becomes too much. A few impose their own media blackout (not easy, I know) and binge-watch their favorite shows in the days prior, for respite from the constant ads and jingles. Others might prefer to volunteer at a meal for the homeless as a worthwhile way to redirect their energy. My neighbor sticks to online shopping to avoid the malls and the lines to see Santa. My wish for you is a little breather, encouraging news on the medical or paperwork front, and renewed hope for your path to parenthood, whatever form that might take. Here‘s to joyful news in the new year, if not sooner.

 Should I use an overseas agency to find an egg donor?

That depends. I suggest you first explore local options, as you can more easily check that the doctors are board certified, visit your short-listed agencies and get a better sense of how they work through meeting staff and/or attending seminars they offer. If you still want to check out overseas options, it helps to be clear as to why: Are they more likely to have a donor pool aligned to your ethnic background? Is there a shorter waiting list? Are they cheaper?  Do they have a local satellite office where you can do at least some of the initial paperwork/tests, to cut back on travel or time off work? Are they licensed and regulated? It’s also worth gauging how many staff speak your language: not just the doctors/nurses, but also administrative staff to make appointments or discuss billing.

I’m thinking of signing on as an egg-donor at an agency. What happened at your psychological assessment?

Great question. First up: relax. The psychological assessment works two ways: a chance for the counselor to check if you will be a good candidate for egg donation, but also a chance for you to ask any questions to ensure you understand a process you may or may not choose to take further. I was asked about my motivation to donate, my expectations of the process and its likely outcome. We discussed how my partner felt about it, and whether he needed coaxing or was fully on board. She asked how we spend our time together, and resolve conflict, as well as our hopes and dreams for the future. She was seeking a sense of the relationship to gauge if was stable, supportive and ongoing. We had already decided not to have children, otherwise I’m sure she would have delved further into family planning. If you are considering being a known donor, you will be asked how you feel the dynamics might change with your egg recipients, and how you will manage that. If you decide to donate anonymously, the counselor would want to explore your feelings and expectations around that.

Did you tell your family that you donated?

At the time, I told my siblings, some of whom showed a passing interest. I chose not to tell my parents for many years, out of a sense of protection; I suspected that they might not see beyond the notion of an unknown grandchild out there. Perhaps that was unfair or presumptuous.  I was a known donor both times (to two separate couples) and while they each said they would want the children to know me and the role I played, I couldn’t presume they would welcome a third set of grandparents (no matter how peripheral). I have offered a few times over the years to organize a get-together, if only out of curiosity on the children’s part, as my parents are getting older. Neither the children nor their parents have felt any pressing need, and that’s absolutely fine.

This column is not a substitute for medical, psychological or legal advice.

Are you a fertility blogger, or do you represent a clinic? Contact us for fresh content for your website or patient newsletter! Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in Houston. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? Send them to askaneggdonor@hotmail.com  © 2015 Alicia Young. 

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