My husband’s parents object to us using an egg donor. It began with a few moans and groans, now they’re saying they’re reconsidering the wills. They insist they won’t consider the child their grandchild and believe science has gone to far (they won’t admit it, but there’s also the what-will-the-neighbor’s-think attitude.). I don’t care about the money, and neither does my husband really, but then, he has a lot more to lose.

…and possibly everything to gain. I respect you have both endured enough and weighed many options before you reached the point of considering egg donation. I can only imagine the pressure and/or guilt your in-laws are exerting, but I implore you to stay strong. They might not agree with your decisions, but they will need to accept and respect them. Please shore-up your support networks in the face of this opposition; you deserve to head down this path equipped with much kindness and compassion. And if it helps to know, I’ve heard from others in a similar situation, and in each case, the baby’s arrival was a tremendously healing gift ─on many levels.

Can you recommend any workshops or conferences to meet others who are facing infertility? Our clinic has information sessions and individual counseling of course, and while that’s been a huge help, I want to meet others. We’re in California.

Resolve New England (resolvenewengland.org) facilitates the country’s only infertility conference especially for consumers. [Disclosure: I’m a past exhibitor, and receive no compensation, directly or in kind, for recommending them.] They present a full program running the gamut of issues facing those who are navigating infertility. And of course, it’s also a wonderful chance to speak to other aspiring parents. This year it will be held on Sat, Nov 05 in Marlborough, Massachusetts. I’d also recommend a support group through the national Resolve chapter (resolve.org). My best wishes you.

Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.

Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.

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THIS ISSUE:  *Is an egg donor a mother? *Announcing a pregnancy on Mother’s Day. *What happens in a counseling session between donor and recipient(s)?

As an egg donor, do you consider yourself a mother?

Biologically, yes, but day-to-day, no. I’m a biological mother to Rachael and Sam, and I’ll always be available to them if they have any questions, from my medical history down to my first movie-star crush. I consider their real mothers to be Angela and Kate, my egg recipients (I donated my eggs to two separate couples, both good friends.) They’re the ones who supervise homework, run carpool, listen and worry. Motherhood reaches far beyond providing an egg or carrying a child, significant though they are. I respect it involves myriad sacrifices of sheer energy, time and sanity as a mother provides for her little one, loving them and guiding them. I love Rachael and Sam as a niece and a nephew.

Mother’s Day is coming up. We’ve just found out we’re pregnant─ and my sister is struggling with infertility. I’m excited to share the news, but dreading the family get together.

Congratulations! It sounds as though you’re planning to make a big announcement. That’s certainly your choice, and you sound sensitive to your sister’s situation. Consider telling her before Mother’s Day, allowing her time to digest the news privately. Trust that she is happy for you, even if her initial reaction is not all you’re hoping for. She’ll appreciate your giving her privacy for that. Sometimes women in your situation don’t want to tell their sister or friend, so as not to upset them. But she’ll need to know at some point, and knowing is better than being kept on the outer. Many women navigating infertility already feel isolated.

You’ve written about a group counseling session with you, your husband and the couple you donated to. What can I expect when we do something similar?

I assume you’re a known donor, such a relative or friend. First, there’s no test to pass or fail, and no silly questions. It’s a chance for you all talk through what this will look like in the short- and long-term, and to manage your expectations. The counselor will ensure that everyone feels heard, and will pose some scenarios to tease things out. For example, what contact do you expect to have with any child or children? What relationship do you envisage, if any? Will the parent(s) tell their child of his/her origins? Are you comfortable that you will have no legal rights to the child, along with no say as to their education, faith or other key decisions in raising them? If you have a partner, how does he/she feel about all this? See it as an important investment in your time.

Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.

Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? info@savvylife.net © 2016 Alicia Young.

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THIS ISSUE:  *Tension over sister’s offer. *Office baby showers when you’re TTC. *How to tell my child.

My sister and brother-in-law have been TTC (trying to conceive) for a year now, and recently I offered to be her donor. I was shocked when she flew off the handle and stormed off.  I didn’t expect a gold medal, but neither did I think she’d chew my head off. It’s been a week of silence.

I appreciate you had the very best intentions when you made the offer; it sounds like your sister simply needs some time to process it.  They have been trying for twelve months – it’s completely understandable that she’s not yet ready to let go of the dream of conceiving unassisted, or at least with assistance, using her own eggs. There’s a saying that all human behavior stems from two basic emotions: love and fear. Yours came from the former, and hers came from the latter. Whatever lies ahead for her, she will know you are there, and that is priceless.

I conceived via egg donor (my cousin). Our daughter is now crawling, and every day I wonder how to tell her. My cousin’s fine with it either way.

You do have time on your side, but it’s great to be thinking about it. You can work out a few strategies, and then give yourself some reprieve. The most important thing is to continue your loving, trusting relationship with your daughter; it’s the best foundation for any future disclosure. When she’s a little older, there are some wonderful children’s story books which explain it well (Amazon has a good range), and you can tell her bit by bit, that she has a special connection to cousin Jane. If they resemble each other, that’s another way to explain things in an age-appropriate way. My biological daughter, Rachael, knew from around age four that (in her words) I “helped her happen.” Her parents were always open, so there was no big revelation; she gradually understood more. In fact, her origins were not only acknowledged, they were celebrated in the open. She is a happy girl, very secure in herself.

It seems that every month, someone at the office has a baby shower.  I am TTC and have had road block after road block.  I can’t bear to attend these things, but I feel so bad, as I’ve known these women for years.

Give yourself a pass. There seems to be some history there, perhaps in and out of the office. While I respect your family planning is entirely your own business, might you be comfortable sharing a little bit (if no details)─simply that things are taking a little longer than expected, and you’d appreciate sidestepping these milestones for now? Perhaps there’s one person you trust whom you could ask to have a discreet word with the others? One lady I know gave a little lump sum to the office organizer to take care of her share of gifts for the next few months, so she didn’t need to be asked each time.

Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.

Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.

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I’m grateful to share that this weekend, 470 radio stations across the US will carry an interview I recorded for HealthJournal.net.

The introduction states I’m based in Australia; actually I’m based in the US and speak frequently about my experience as an egg donor, among many other topics (please see “Speaking” on this site).

I’ll wait until Monday to post the link, as requested by the network. My thanks to them for this opportunity.

Best wishes,

Alicia

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Q: I’m gay and considering being an anonymous egg donor. The clinic has been great, but one thing bothers me: if there’s left over embryos and the parents don’t want them, why can’t I get them? I’d be open to using an anonymous sperm donor in the future, so I don’t see this as being any different.

A: I’m not an attorney, but my understanding is that any and all donor eggs, donor sperm, and embryos created belong wholly and solely to the recipients. That means the decision whether to store, donate or destroy remains theirs. Talk further with the clinic’s psychologist, or one of your own choosing through work, on campus or a counselor at your place of worship to explore your feelings further. Ensure you fully understand the various scenarios that could play out, and gauge how you feel as to each before proceeding.

Q: How do you feel about fertility registries (like gift registries) or crowdfunding to pay for treatment?

A: I’ll admit I cringed when I first heard of this option. It seems like anyone and everyone is asking others to fund their milestones, from a trip to Europe, to their honeymoon, to their start-up. That said, when you consider the cost of IVF (typically $10-15 000 per cycle in the US, according to sart.org), I understand much more why individuals or couples are taking this route, especially (of course) when the passion for a baby can’t be measured against anything else. If people are comfortable giving, at least your birthday or holiday gift might be better channeled toward your goal of a family, as opposed to another sweater. I simply suggest that you keep any request low-key, both in approach and in the absence of follow-up requests. Also, weigh carefully how comfortable you are sharing your journey with others. And on a lighter note, don’t rule out that generous Aunt Jane might want a child named after her.

Q: When should I start looking for a donor?

A: Great question―because many of us might assume “ASAP!” But consider the emotions at play. How recently did you receive the news that you actually need a donor? Today? Last week? Three months ago? No matter how motivated you are, you need and deserve time to process the grief of being unable to conceive without assistance. Talk with your partner, your doctor and other key supports. Recognize that you might benefit from hitting the pause button for a little while, or a long while. Fertility treatment takes a toll physically, emotionally and financially.

Q: Our friend is going through infertility right now and she is constantly spaced out. Do we pull her back into the conversation or let it go?

A: Grant her space. I know people who had a code word for their friend. They would say “Italy” as a shorthand to explain that her thoughts had drifted. It was though she was in another time zone, badly jetlagged. They allowed her space, recognizing what she was dealing with and how it might seep into her thoughts through the day. Don’t assume your friend is uninterested in your life; she is simply dealing with a lot of demands on her focus and energy right now.

Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.

Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in Houston. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.

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ASK  AN EGG DONOR™

# 01, Nov 2015

Why did you decide to donate, when you chose not to start your own family? —Julia, Boston.

My husband Jon and I greeted all the usual milestones with friends: college, 21st celebrations, weddings, babies – oh, except the last one.  We chose not to have children, but we absolutely feel and see the joy that children bring their parents, as well as their whole extended family. We love fussing over little ones – we just didn’t feel that pull to have our own. Our dear friends, Angela and Steve, were dealing with infertility. We saw the grace and dignity with which they navigated their journey. Here we were, discarding an egg each month that we didn’t value, which they could value very much instead. We offered to donate, and they now have a gorgeous daughter, Rachael. Five years later, a different friend asked us to donate, and Kate and Thomas now have Sam.

Are you a known egg donor or anonymous? Do the kids know the truth? — T.J & S, Marlborough, MA.

Funny you should ask! One couple was very open, and not only acknowledged but celebrated their baby’s origins. The other couple… well, one parent was determined to be open from the start, and the other wanted secrecy and shared the bare bones. I do support openness surrounding a child’s origins, but at the same time I DO respect it is the choice of each parent how they handle things. That’s the nuts and bolts. My book gives more info: that’s really not a sales pitch, there’s simply no space here to fairly present each side and how things turned out.

I know this sounds last-century, but I don’t feel complete as a woman if don’t find a way to become a mother. All my friends are in grad. school and I ache to be stay-at-home-mom (at least for a few years): pregnancy, spit-up, car pool – the whole package.  — Gemma. San Francisco (via email)

I respect you’re not asking for sympathy, but my heart breaks for you. What you’re describing is not last-century, it’s a very natural, primal drive. I hope you have a strong and varied support network, because you deserve every bit of it. I trust you know about resources like www.resolve.org and www.resolvenewengland.org.  Consider visiting a local chapter; you will be welcomed, listened to and understood. And while family and friends have the best intentions, their ability to listen or give advice can be colored by their own feelings or agendas. This makes a professional counselor a valuable go-to resource. Others prefer someone through their church, temple or other place of worship. I appreciate there is a very real financial toll with fertility treatments, so if your health insurance can’t stretch further, check out resources at community centers, “sliding scale” agencies or consider a supervised, final-year graduate student at a respected college. Your employer might also cover some sessions short-term.

I was shocked to find a brochure about being an egg donor in my daughter’s room. She graduates college next year and thinks the extra money could really help. All I can think is: somewhere I’ll have a grandchild I’ll never hold. I have to say something. —Capricorn, Boston.

This can be especially hard for mothers of potential donors. This is not how you pictured things would be! I appreciate you are coming from a place of love and protection, but try to hold back a moment. Don’t catch her in the hallway and launch a barrage of questions; let her know you respect she is an adult, and you’d really appreciate making a time to sit down and talk it through. As tempting as it will be, try to hold back on the “shoulds” and give her the gift of non-judgmental, active listening. Mirror back what she is saying. For example, “What I’m hearing  is …” and let her clarify. If she remains determined, you can help her research the clinic, checking if the doctors are board-certified etc. In time, she might need your help to compile a family medical history. Given your daughter’s age and stage, you are entering a new phase in your relationship. Maybe she will donate, maybe she won’t, but either way, the approach you adopt now will inform how you relate moving forward.

Thanks for being part of my first column! Questions of your own? Please email me at: askaneggdonor@hotmail.com. You can Direct Message (DM)  me on Twitter @AskanEggDonor, or leave a comment here. Next column: December 1, and each first of the month after that. 

BIO:  Alicia Young is a two-time known egg donor, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. (see Amazon, or the homepage at savvylife.net). She holds degrees in social work counseling and journalism. Alicia has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India, a nursing home in Chile, and an orphanage in Indonesia. In her spare time, she handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed.)  Alicia is based in Houston and travels through the US and overseas for speaking engagements. www.savvylife.net (C) 2015 Alicia Young.

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